Lesson 1 
Lesson 2 Lesson 3
When you think about fratting hard, what activities come to mind? Going out to bars, parties at the house, shacking…all of these are staples of living the frat life. However, just like a profession, being an elite fratdaddy or sorostitute requires one to learn to constantly expand one’s horizons. Many professionals are required to attend “continuing education” programs to make sure that what they first learned about their job is not the end of what they know. Similarly, you should always be on ready and able to incorporate activities into your fratty repertoire that will enable you to frat at an even higher level. Up to this point, we have included lessons in Fratting 101 (which are introductory fratting lessons) and Post-Grad Fratting 501 (graduate level studies for those fratdaddies/sorostitutes with college degrees). Today is the first lesson in the class Fratty Activities 301; you now know a good bit about how to frat, and now it’s time to make fratting hard your major.
The first fratty activity we will explore is one that will benefit you not only in college, but for the rest of your life. Part of being a fratdaddy/sorostitute is learning how to enjoy the finer things in life. Although you should never set aside your love of frat water or bourbon and coke, you should also be knowledgeable about those alcoholic beverages that you will be imbibing in situations that are more formal than the average bar crawl or band party. We are speaking, of course, of the substance that wealthy individuals have been fratting since the start of civilization: wine.
How much do you know about wine? Any sorority pledge can go to the local grocery store, buy a box of Franzia, and take it to a band party to loosen up for a night of acting like a frat potato. However, this is not indicative of the wine knowledge you will need to truly impress those around you. When you go to a fine dining establishment, you don’t want to be the guy that embarrasses the table by ordering Yellow Tail with your steak and lobster. How do you avoid this faux pas? There’s only one way to make sure this never happens to you: become a true wine connoisseur.
The best way to learn about wines is to find a local establishment that offers periodic wine tastings. These can be found at wine stores, restaurants, country clubs, or other fratty environments. The benefits of wine tastings are multiple. First, they will expose you to many different brand names and wine varieties that you simply will not find behind the counter at your local convenience store. Also, they will be hosted by wine experts that make their knowledge available for your absorption. Tap these valuable resources to take your wine purchasing ability to the next level; be that fratdaddy that takes frat tabbing to a new level when you order a bottle of 1992 Bordeaux after your friends order their dates the cheapest White Zinfandel on the wine list. Remember: you can’t frat tab when you’re ordering the house wine. Recently, your professors were almost asked to leave a restaurant after their order of a 1996 Chateau de Sales caused the gelheaded waiter to run out of the room to avoid a messy head explosion.
Keep in mind, cheap wines do have their place in your fratmosphere. When you’re buying wine in bulk for girls at keg parties and other decidedly informal situations, feel free to get some of the more popular mass produced brands at your local grocery store. Like so many other parts of frat life, wine is all about knowing what to do in different situations. Of course, if you are buying wine for a party at your own residence, there is no excuse for not taking this outstanding frat tabbing opportunity to introduce your guests to premium fruits of the vine.
In conclusion, increasing your wine palate will simultaneously increase your fratitude. Part of being a lifelong fratdaddy is melding a funloving lifestyle with sophistication. Increasing your wine knowledge is a vital part of this process.
In honor of the end of The Masters, one of the frattiest sporting events ever conceived by man, we will further examine yet another activity that has long given fratdaddies (and sometimes, sorostitutes) ample opportunity to flex their frat-muscles in a joint exercise of fratting hard and engaging in athletic competition.
When we analyze an activity to determine it’s frattiness, we look mainly at three factors (which we call, “The Country Club Test”). The Country Club Test’s three prongs are as follows: (1) the expense associated with the activity, (2) the atmosphere in which the activity is promulgated, and (3) propensity of the activity to lead to other opportunities to frat hard. Rarely does an activity pass all three prongs with an A+, but golf cruises through this test like it had the answers from the frat castle test bank.
First, golf gives you an excellent opportunity to frat tab. Even more important, the prices and membership fees at respectable courses and clubs price-out douchebaggery. If these fees don’t have you frat-tabbing enough, don’t worry: there is ample opportunity to show how hard you frat in the pro shop. Golf clothes (which in themselves are fratty), clubs, bags, and balls can, and should, run your frat tab up into the thousands.
Second, there are few frattier atmospheres than a golf course, especially if it is located at the local country club. These locales give you the opportunity to take your sorostitute to the club where she will play tennis while you get in 18 holes and then drink several bourbon and cokes in the clubhouse. Later, after steak and lobster from the club restaurant, you can look back at the day and rest easy knowing that you fratted hard literally all day.
Finally, golf is as activity that is both fratty in itself and also breeds other fratty situations. While at the club, a future young professional will have many networking opportunities with older members of the club. What better way to set up a bright post-grad fratting future than by making important connections with business executives over some frat water after a round on the course? Also, never forget…more business deals are brokered on the links than in the boardroom. Since the corner offices of so many corporations and firms are inhabited by fratdaddies, always remember that your ability to frat hard at the golf course will pay off in both your level of fratitude and your ever rising bank statement.
There comes a time in the young fratdaddy’s life when he decides to settle down with his sorostitute of choice and start a long and prosperous life of post-grad fratting. You may not have reached this point yet, as you are still enjoying the single life of nightly bar hopping and plentiful shacking. However, this does not mean that you cannot enjoy many of the benefits of wedding season without the added responsibility of actually having to support a family. In fact, this time of year breeds many opportunities to put on your suit, frat hard for free, and then head back to your normal life. Wedding season is upon us, and with it comes the chance to frat weddings so hard that it would make Vince Vaughn go home in shame. In this lesson, we will examine how you can turn every wedding invitation that hits your mailbox into yet another chance to exercise your frat glad.
The Date: Most wedding invitations you will receive will include the magic words, “and guest.” Nothing gets a sorostitute nearing the end of her college career in a shacking mood like seeing a couple committed to shacking for life. This is not the opportunity to grab some freshman arm candy; instead, you will look for a mature sorostitute to accompany you while you frat hard at the reception…you’ll have a great date, and she’ll have dreams of receiving her MRS degree. Beware, however, of dates that read too much into your invitation. To avoid this, we advise taking a different date to every wedding on your calendar if possible.
The Outfit: Often times you may struggle for opportunities in undergrad to show off your more formal frat attire. Wedding season gives you plenty of reasons to break out the best suits and ties in your wardrobe, and it provides great practice in piecing together fratty dress ensembles that will one day be your staple in the workplace.
The Reception: Most receptions thrown for fratdaddy/sorostitute unions will feature one of the frattiest party inventions of all time: the open bar. Better yet, the better you know the couple, the more accepted it is to get completely drunktaneous. The open bar also provides great networking opportunities. There are few better ways to smooze with champions of business in your area than to share some stories with them at the reception over a scotch on the rocks. Old fratdaddies love to tell stories about their past frat glories. Keep and open ear and a full glass.
The Bridesmaids: After you get done shaking hands and acting like you’re remembering names at the open bar, you want to scope out how your current date is shaping up. If it has turned out to be a dud, keep an open eye for the chicks in the ugly, expensive, and identical dresses. These are the bridesmaids, who are acting happy, but are dying inside from the fact that their pledge sister made it to the alter before they did. Somebody has to comfort them…it might as well be you. This is especially important when you go attend a wedding that is held at a resort or other location where attendees reserved hotel rooms for the affair.
Of course, another key part of wedding season is the bachelor party, which will be explored in our next Fratty Activity Lesson.
So break out the suit, line up your invitations, and get ready to frat as hard as you would at a fraternity formal. You’ll have a great time, and the free “refreshments” won’t break your frat tab.
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