FrattingHard.com

In honor of the end of The Masters, one of the frattiest sporting events ever conceived by man, we will further examine yet another activity that has long given fratdaddies (and sometimes, sorostitutes) ample opportunity to flex their frat-muscles in a joint exercise of fratting hard and engaging in athletic competition.

When we analyze an activity to determine it’s frattiness, we look mainly at three factors (which we call, “The Country Club Test”).  The Country Club Test’s three prongs are as follows:  (1)  the expense associated with the activity, (2) the atmosphere in which the activity is promulgated, and (3) propensity of the activity to lead to other opportunities to frat hard.  Rarely does an activity pass all three prongs with an A+, but golf cruises through this test like it had the answers from the frat castle test bank.

First, golf gives you an excellent opportunity to frat tab.  Even more important, the prices and membership fees at respectable courses and clubs price-out douchebaggery.  If these fees don’t have you frat-tabbing enough, don’t worry:  there is ample opportunity to show how hard you frat in the pro shop.  Golf clothes (which in themselves are fratty), clubs, bags, and balls can, and should, run your frat tab up into the thousands. 

Second, there are few frattier atmospheres than a golf course, especially if it is located at the local country club.  These locales give you the opportunity to take your sorostitute to the club where she will play tennis while you get in 18 holes and then drink several bourbon and cokes in the clubhouse.  Later, after steak and lobster from the club restaurant, you can look back at the day and rest easy knowing that you fratted hard literally all day. 

Finally, golf is as activity that is both fratty in itself and also breeds other fratty situations.  While at the club, a future young professional will have many networking opportunities with older members of the club.  What better way to set up a bright post-grad fratting future than by making important connections with business executives over some frat water after a round on the course?  Also, never forget…more business deals are brokered on the links than in the boardroom.  Since the corner offices of so many corporations and firms are inhabited by fratdaddies, always remember that your ability to frat hard at the golf course will pay off in both your level of fratitude and your ever rising bank statement. 

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It is unquestioned that it is easy to spot a GDI; the differences between them and ourselves can be seen from a mile away.  However, we cannot simply use the term “GDI” with the mindset that all GDI’s the same.  Douchbaggery actually comes in many different forms, each of which presents a different annoyance to the fratty society.  In this guide, we will give you an introduction to some of the most common types of GDI so that you may more effectively identify and avoid them.

Gelled Hair Meatbag

Natural Habitat:  Working out 5 times a day; Local Raves
Interests:  Steroids, Hair Gel, Roofies, Axe Body Spray
How to Handle:  You will rarely see these individuals out on the town, as they are innately aware of their inability to function in fratty social situations.  If confronted with a meatbag, sarcastically compliment his Abercrombie muscle shirt.

Goth
 

Natural Habitat:  We really don’t know.  Maybe doing incantations in the woods.
Interests:  Wicca, Death Metal, Disturbing Poetry
How to Handle:  Don’t worry:  the goth is more afraid of you than you are of him/her.  If they were to confront you with their usual rant about you being a “conformist”, just walk away while confidently thinking that while we all wear different colored polo shirts, they all only wear black.

Nerd

Natural Habitat:  In front of his computer or local Magic:  The Gathering club
Interests:  Science fiction, online gaming, animated pornography
How to Handle:  You will never, ever see these people outside of class.  You won’t have to sit beside them there, either, because they actually get to class on time.

Hippie

Natural Habitat:  Coffee shops, women’s studies classes, sleeping outdoors
Interests:  Body odor, tie-dye, avoiding soap and water
How to Handle:  Stay as far away from as possible to avoid the smell

Wannabe Surfer

Natural Habitat:  May be seen out at bars in full Hollister attire
Interests:  Puka shells, bleach, cargo shorts
How to Handle:  These GDI’s are basically harmless.  Be on the lookout for freshmen wannabe surfers, as we have reports of many attempting to rush fraternities

Protesters

Natural Habitat:  Crowded parts of campus
Interests:  Decrying corporate power, eating animals, concentration of wealth, and other ideals that fratdaddies and sorostitutes hold dear
How to Handle:  These GDI’s would like nothing more than to draw you into a shouting match.  Be the bigger man/woman, and rest easy knowing that you have better things to do than standing in front of the student union holding a sign

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I originally was going to call this guy a douchebag, but then we got a call from the Douchebag Union to let us know that even they won’t claim him. All I can say is that he not only went home, but when he got home, home was his parents’ basement.

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Professor Stratton and myself are currently starting in inquiry into whether the douchebag population is increasing or decreasing. Today, we were emailed some evidence that some douchebags are currently “naturally selecting” themselves out of the Homo sapiens species. It is truly a wonder of the amazing, but cruel, natural world.

We warn you, this video is not safe for work. By that, we mean there is both “violence” and sexual content. By that, I mean a dude lights his freakin balls on fire. Click the link below, if you dare.

Douchebag Natural Selection

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We would like to congratulate the REAL Fratty Celebrity of the Month for April 2007, Mr. Donald Trump (Phi Gamma Delta, Fordham University).

Mr. Trump is the epitome of the post-grad fratter.  Despite the fact that he is 60 years old and has one of the most notorious bad haircuts on the planet, Trump managed to recently marry and have a fratling with a model that is 24 years younger than himself.  Professionally, Trump owns golf courses, casinos, luxury hotels, skyscrapers, and has a personal net worth of well over $1 billion (which gives him legendary frat tabbing potential).  However, the frattiest thing about The Donald is the way he loves to fire people for his own personal enjoyment:  this is Fratty Business Management 101.

Again, congratulations to Mr. Donald Trump, and may he continue wiping the GDI head explosion drippings off his tie with 100 dollar bills for years to come.

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We would like to congratulate this month’s Fratty Celebrity of the Month, Mr. Kevin Federline.

Mr. Federline is probably the frattiest human on the planet.  First of all, he owns his own company, which is currently going through a very fratty Chapter 13 bankruptcy.  Despite this, he still found time to portray a fry cook at a fast food establishment in a Super Bowl commercial; he obviously knows that there are few frattier occupations than being the guy that salts the fries at McDonald’s.  They even give you a personalized polo shirt to wear.

Mr. Federline also knows that fratlings are key to the post-grad fratting lifestyle.  Knowing this, he not once, but twice knocked up the incredibly hot Britney Spears (pictured below shedding tears of joy over being married for a short time to such a fratty man).  Always in touch with his feminine side, Federline now frats hard with money from the alimony payments he receives from his former bride.

We don’t want to discourage anyone from reading this site religiously, but to be honest, all you have to do to learn how to frat hard is to watch K-Fed and emulate his every action.  He is the fratdaddy that we should all aspire to be.

Congratulations again to Kevin Federline, April’s Fratty Celebrity of the Month.

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