It seems like a new fratty clothing company begins everytime we down a cold fratwater, get a pinch of mint, or conquer a Plan A’s castle. Unless you have been hibernating for three years or have Gamma Delta Iota tattooed on you upper bicep, then you have noticed quite a few of these so-called fratty clothing companies pushing their products on us. Some of these companies rise up and overcome douchebaggery, causing an exponential increase in GDI head explosions. However, some of these companies lack the necessary prerequisites to ever have their logo be considered a fratty brand. In this article and some subsequent articles in the future, we will examine fratty clothing companies to determine if they are indeed truly fratty. First, we will analyze Coast Apparel.
Coast is headquarted in Pawleys Island, South Carolina and strives to market their apparel to the “college market.” We can read between the lines – that means “fratdaddies and sorostitutes.” Attempting to weed out GDI’s is the best way to ensure that your brand will be accepted by the frat community. Upon purchasing the shirts, we noticed that they were, as expected, of high quality. The crab logo was a decent choice to represent frat. Perhaps most importantly, our pledges had no problems washing out the bar funk and bourbon stains. With no apparent douchebaggish qualities, we will have to deem the Coast brand frat. If you are still searching for a fratty holiday gift, then a Coast polo is a good way to place some frat under the tree.
Congratulations to Trey “Hard” Spencer of Florida State, the winner of the November 2009 Fratdaddy of the Month Award. He spends most of his days drinking fratwater and playing golf. He spends most of his nights with Plan A sorostitutes. His favorite activity is taking frat laps around campus and causing head explosions among the GDI community. Congratulations again to Trey “Hard” Spencer.
To be considered for the Fratdaddy or Sorostitute of the Month Award in the future, please see the contest rules posted at this link and this link.
Back in the summertime, before abusing our livers throughout fourteen weeks of college football, we ran a website poll to determine what the next Institute of Fratology fratty countdown should be. Fratty vehicles emerged as the victor, rising above such stiff competition as fratty star wars characters and fratty frisbees. We begin our countdown with the fifth frattiest vehicle, the Ford Bronco.
You are probably asking yourself, “Ford Bronco? WTF?” Your initial knee-jerk interrogative would be understanding, but after a more in-depth analysis, you will realize why the Bronco is among the frattiest of vehicles.
Unlike the fratty vehicles to follow in this countdown, the Bronco does not have an aesthetically pleasing design, an expensive price tag, or the moxie to reel in a sorostitute on a frat lap. What the Bronco does have is destructibility, meaning that you can tear it to pieces and nobody would care to see it go. If you accidentally lose the Bronco after fratting a little to hard, accidentally total the Bronco after driving it through the Frat Castle, or accidentally blow up the Bronco during an afternoon of casual hazing, then you are only out a Kelly Blue Book retail value of $53.46, a/k/a one handle of Wild Turkey 101.
However, destructibility is not the only feature the Bronco has in its corner. Government testing shows that the Bronco only gets 7 miles per gallon on the highway and 4 miles per gallon in the city. That satisfies the Institute of Fratology requirement that a fratty sport utility vehicle must be under 8 miles per gallon because a fratdaddy needs every excuse possible to go to the gas station for more alcohol and tabacco products.
Finally, the Bronco has many pro-fratdaddy convenience features. The bed can store 103 cases of your favorite adult beverages, mulitple pledges, or a black glove covered in blood. So if you’re going to load up at the liquor store, head out for a night of debauchery, or try to outrun the LAPD, then the Ford Bronco is the fratty vehicle for you.
Note the $12 “large water.” Remember: fratdaddies never take anything that is free. If your waiter gives you free water, pay for it anyway and scold him for not giving you higher quality water. If your restaurant has imported bottled water, but you’re drinking bourbon, be sure to order a bottle of the water anyway to give to your frathound.
Maybe in the future we can stay sober enough to actually post the Fratty Song of the Week every week. With that said, we knew that we had to come back with an extremely fratastic song, and what better than a hit by the frattiest band of all time at their Hall of Fame induction:
Congratulations to Michael Kahn of Georgia State in Atlanta, the winner of the October 2009 Fratdaddy of the Month Award. Legend has it that this fratdaddy frats harder on Mondays than most do on gamedays. Michael could be wearing a Gamma Delta Iota shirt and still frat hard because his look says, “I’m in a fraternity and I’m better than you.” Thankfully, he is not in a Gamma Delta Iota shirt, but is clothed in a fratty blazer, bowtie, seersucker pants, and douchebag ray blockers with attached croakies. Congratulations again to Michael Kahn.
To be considered for the Fratdaddy or Sorostitute of the Month Award in November, please see the contest rules posted at this link and this link.
We will be selecting a Fratdaddy or Sorostitute of the Month at the end of October. For those who applied in August and September, you will also be considered for the October award. To apply for the Fratdaddy or Sorostitute of the Month Award in October, please see the contest rules posted at this link and this link. Doug and Eric will try to post some new fratastic lectures and news very soon.
When you hear the phrase, “bar hopping”, you picture that random Thursday night when you go out at 10:30, hit 6 different institutions of higher drinking, get a Plan B to “look for her keys” in your seat on the way back to the frat castle, etc., etc., etc. However, we would like to introduce this this as an advanced move that can pay huge dividends if executed successfully…this version of bar hopping leads the fratdaddy to identify that Plan C “with connections”, and then use her to upgrade for the evening.
This activity is based on two simple principles. First of all, every sorority has Plan C’s. No matter how upper tier a house is, they all have some quadruple legacy butterfaces that would most likely be the treasurer of the university English Club if not for mom’s heritage and daddy’s money. Second of all, every Plan A has, deep within herself, low self esteem. With these two principles establish, let’s proceed.
At the bar, you will often notice a pack of sorostitutes that feature a couple of Plan A’s, mostly Plan B’s, and a few Plan C’s. The most confident of fratdaddies might make straight for the Plan A’s and work his magic; this isn’t wrong. If you can do this, do it. However, this is a kamikaze strategy that is prone to failure (and not always for reasons inside your control). But like a skilled card counter, you can use your head to turn the odds in your favor.
Identify the Plan C in the group that is closest to a Plan D. Be careful, though…it is VITAL that you don’t actually select a Plan D (for more information, see our Guide to the Plan System). Doing so will indicate that you are not honestly pursuing your goal, but are most likely just engaged in some low-rent hogging. After you have found your C-, proceed to pull her as you normally would. It is important to remain within eye- and ear-shot of your Plan A goal at all times. You’re going to show her that you are a desirable fratdaddy who just chose her pledge sister with the nice rack but lazy eye over her.
What is this going to do to our Plan A? What does a raw steak do to a lion? What does a cold bottle of Thunderbird do to a guy that lives under a bridge? All of a sudden, you will be her Plan A+. Notice as she tries to butt into your conversation…but don’t immediately give he your full attention. You need to play this cool…giving her too much attention too quickly will restore her confidence like a Taco Bell 1/2 pound burrito restores the energy of a Plan X. Slowly but surely, though, turn your focus to her, and, before completely cutting off Plan C, suggest that the two of you return to the frat castle to study some biology.
This isn’t the simplest of shacking methods, but believe us, it is tried and true when executed well.
Oh, and FrattingHard.com is not responsible for any damage to your Frathoe that may result from vandalism by enraged Plan C-’s.
We’ve picked the East, now we’ve picked the west. Again, if you disagree with us, don’t get too mad. After all…we’re pretty drunk.
1.) Alabama – They had the Crimson Tide faithful scared for a while when the report came out that offensive stars Julio Jones and Mark Ingram fratted too hard on a fishing trip and might be suspended by the NCAA to start the year, but it appears that now will both play in Alabama’s opener, so we’ll give Bama the nod for the top spot in the West. Gone is All-American tackle Andre Smith and All-Fratshag quarterback John Parker Wilson, but the defense should still be among the tops in the league, and…uhm…we’re pretty sure that Nick Saban’s favorite snack is souls.
2.) LSU – Yeah, yeah…I know, this is supposed to be Ole Miss. But let’s be honest…while they’re champion fratters to the nth degree, the Rebels have been apt to let you down on the football field more than once. We’ll go again with the Bayou Bengals, who enter this year with a quarterback who, unlike last year, seems to understand that other team + your ball + your own endzone = fail. And, of course, they still have a coach with a national championship ring, the biggest hat since Turd Ferguson on SNL Celebrity Jeopardy, and a brilliant time out strategy.
3.) Ole Miss – Jevan Snead is, without a doubt, the best quarterback in the SEC…but we still regret Houston Nutt leaving Arkansas. Why? Because at Arkansas, he had not one, but TWO quarterbacks named Dick. And he’s named Nutt. Nutt, with his 2 Dicks. Wait, that sounds sort of painful. But I digress. The Rebels have high hopes entering this year, and let’s be honest, no one will be surprised if they win the West outright. After all, they were the only team last year that could keep the Gator from getting his Gradulations. I just wonder what Florida would do to them if there’s an SEC championship game rematch….Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Tebow.
4.) Arkansas – Arkansas has already surprised a lot of folks this season…by keeping Bobby Petrino for more than one year. Seriously, that guy gets around like a fratdaddy in a bar full of plan A’s. This time around, he has another rambling man, Michigan transfer Ryan Mallet, leading his offense. Looking at the Arkansas scrimmage stats, Mallet is either the greatest quarterback in the history of time, or the Arkansas defense is going to look a lot like they did last year….when they didn’t hit many people like this:
5.) Auburn – They surprised the college football world last year when they fired Tommy Tuberville, a coach that, not that long ago, produced a Tiger team that many believed was cheated out of a chance at the BCS title game. Then, they surprised the college football world again for hiring a guy that was 5-19 in his two years as a head coach at Iowa State. However, they should still be a better team this season. Last year, they had a spread offense that really didn’t fit the school’s traditional smash mouth, hard nosed football image, and Chris Todd, an unheralded JUCO transfer, was their quarterback. Now, they have…uhm…a spread offense that doesn’t really fit the school’s traditional smash mouth, hard nosed football image, and Chris Todd, an unheralded JUCO transfer, is their quarterback. One thing they have going for them, though, is that this year’s version of the spread is led by Gus Malzahn’s, who’s high flying Tulsa team allowed fratdaddies all around the country to cash in on the “over” time and time again. Also, one of their tackles is channeling Lattimer from “The Program”.
6.) Mississippi State – Their in-state rival is actually good this year, they’re now running the Tebow offense with no Tebow, their fans still insist on bringing cowbells to the stadium, and we have forever lost the phrase, “He got Croomed.” Honestly, there’s just not that much good I can say here. But hey, at least they’ve got new uniforms.
