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With New Year’s Eve just a couple of days away, we believed it to be more than appropriate to lecture you on the fine points of having a fratty night before and after the ball drop. New Year’s Eve is a time to frat a little harder than usual and the following will help you squeeze that little extra out of your frat gland.

LOCATION:

Any heavily populated city would be the most ideal option for a New Year’s Eve celebration. This is true for a few reasons. First, there are many more party options. Next, there are many more transportation options, such as limousine and taxi services. Also, chances are that your university is in a smaller college town and with school not being in session, you have the opportunity to frat harder in a different locale. Finally, it is more than appropriate to intertwine a New Year’s Eve celebration with your school’s bowl game. Most bowl games are in cities that would satisfy our criteria anyway and what could be more fun that celebrating with your our brethren in a foreign city?

TRANSPORTATION:

In a bigger city where fratty spots are more spread out, driving drunktaneous for miles and miles increases your chances of landing behind bars. Trust us, big city jail ain’t like little city jail. Therefore, arranging for a taxi or limousine for the night is the much more pleasant option. The latter option allows for that little bit of extra frat that you do not have during a typical night of going out during the semester. There is nothing like keeping bottles popping, among other things, in the back of a limo as you move from fratty establishment to fratty establishment.

BEFORE THE BALL DROPS:

There are usually a plethora of New Year’s Eve parties to attend. We recommend making an appearance at one of the more upscale parties up until the clock strikes midnight. A more upscale party should have the following amenities: a large entry fee, an open bar, formal attire, live music, and champagne at midnight. Be the life of the party and take full advantage of the open bar. During the ball drop, you should have more trouble counting down from ten than a GDI would have taking off a sorostitute’s bra. Also, the ball drop provides the best excuse in the world to move in on a Plan A. After midnight, it is time to leave the more formal affair and head towards familiar territory.

AFTER THE BALL DROPS:

Take your limo and head to the frattiest bar in the city. If you do not see at least a few other people in formal attire, then you are probably not at the frattiest bar in the city. The rest of the night should follow a typical night out back at school. If all goes well, you will wake up the next morning with a nameless sorostitute in the bed, a headache pounding you like you pounded other things hours earlier, and about five minutes to call in your plays for the Capital One, Gator, and Outback bowls. That concludes our lecture. Have a safe and fratty new year!

Popularity: 54% [?]

Our friends at COAST Pawleys Island have released some new items during the past few months. Your professors have been wearing these articles of fratty clothing for some time, so we wanted to spread our thoughts to you. Today, we will review the COAST fleece pullover and fleece vest.

Allow us to begin with the pullover. We have definitely been impressed thus far. Three colors are available, “navy,” “buoy red,” and “weathered sail.” Your professors wear the latter two. We can see the hate in GDIs’ eyes when they see us. Perhaps our favorite thing about the pullover is the storage pockets. We own some pullovers from other fratty clothing companies that fail in this regard.

As for the vest, it goes great when worn over the Huntington Shirt. The vest is available in the same colors as the pullover and has all of the same fratastic features. With Christmas around the corner, we highly recommend some light frattabbing on a COAST fleece and pullover.

Popularity: 22% [?]

We hope all of you are buying copious amounts of Christmas gifts from our friends at Coast Apparel.  If you’re not, they’re making it even easier for you to do so.

Easier, that is, as in you’ll be able to get more for your money.  As you may have noticed from the ads above you and to your left, the fine folks at Coast are going to be giving you Fratdaddies and Sorostitutes a sale just in time for the holidays…so, after you roll yourself away from the table Thursday, go get Dad’s platinum card, log on to CoastApparel.com, and be your own Santa Clause (Doug’s personal recommendation:  the Fleece Vest…I’ve been fratting ridiculously hard in this thing lately).

How do you take advantage of this deal?  Use the coupon code FRATTY (all caps) when you check out.

Click below for a high resolution look at some of the fine products you can check out from Coast.

20% Off at CoastApparel.com

Popularity: 34% [?]

Fratdaddies, this post is a warning…a warning to try to bring some of you out of the grasps of douchebaggery and an attempt to get your frat glands pumping again.  Facebook is a cultural phenomenon, used uniformly by almost every college student.  However, like all services and products popular with the world at large, it is rife with douchebaggery.  While the fratdaddy can use the site effectively while maintaining one’s fratty reputation, one can also engage in certain behaviors that are unacceptable to the fraternity man.  The examples are numerous, but today I will point out 5 of the most dangerous traps that I have seen unwary fratdaddies fall into.

1)  Unnecessary and voluminous status updates:  if you have the busy schedule that the high functioning fratdaddy should have, you don’t have time to document your every move on Facebook.  It is unncessary and annoying to your friends.  Reserve status updates for when you have something important to say…for example, “Great night tonight, but in jail.  Please post bail.”

2)  Games:  This should go without saying.  I can’t even express the disappointment I feel when I log on to Facebook and a supposed fratdaddy has sent me a message that implores me to “Fertilize My Golden Wizard Dragon Egg!” or some similar foolishness.  Restrict your games to late night drunktaneous NCAA2011 tournaments and leave Farmville to the GDI’s.

3) Unwise Pictures: This is a rare moment of absolute seriousness from your Professors.  You will soon be prestigious members of the upper class business society.  Tagged photos of you doing peyote behind a dumpster may negatively affect your ascent up the corporate ladder.  Don’t memorialize such nights via photo, and if you do, for the love of Jim Beam, don’t put it on the internet.

4)  Shameful E-PDA: I wish I didn’t have to keep a garbage can near my desk to collect the vomit that surely comes after reading, “I LUFF U SNUGGLEPANTZ!”…on the wall of a sorostitute…written by a so-called fratdaddy.  Yes, friends, it happens, and it happens too often.  Fratdaddies show love in the traditional ways…through material gifts, expensive dinners, even more expensive libations, and the sense of security your special someone feels by just being with a person of your social status.  You should not be showing love through talking like a complete whipped douchebag on the tubes of the internets.  Don’t do it.

5)  Excess Speech About Your Fraternity:  Are all your statuses about the awesome dinner you had at the house tonight, or the great party you’re currently at (that you should be doing other things at other than updating Facebook), or how all you high school kids should rush (insert house here)?  Quit it.  You’re trying too hard.

Popularity: 66% [?]

All the signs are upon us. The leaves are turning yellow, orange, and brown. Students are doing less and less work as the most expansive of school year holidays approach. Exams are being thought about, and thus test banks are seeing more and more withdrawals. All around the fratmosphere, silver bells will soon be ringing, as Christmas is on its way.

With Christmas comes the most time honored of fratty holiday traditions: the Christmas cocktail.

Don't actually order this. Ever.

“But Professor,” you’re thinking, “Isn’t Christmas Cocktail exactly like every other fraternity/sorority formal I attend at any other time of year?”  The answer to your question is yes…and no.  Some tried and true principles hold true for any formal.   There will need to be adequate pre-game.  There will need to be the Plan A date.  You may have to deformalize a sorostitute or four until you find the right one to maximize the night’s good time & shacking potential.  However, there are some other aspects of the Christmas Cocktail that make such parties unique experiences with unique opportunities.

So many presents under the tree…

First of all, Christmas Cocktails are ubiquitous.  Often, several fraternities/sororities will be having these parties.  It’s almost like a football game weekend where every house is having a band party…except the sororities are throwing their own functions, as well.  You, as the astute fratdaddy, should take advantage of this.  If you have some control over your house’s party scheduling, try making your cocktail the night before the night when the biggest bulk of sororities are having their parties.  This will enable each fratdaddy to have a great time at his own house’s party, sleep through the day, and then cherry-pick which sorostitute functions he wishes to attend the next night.  In an advanced move (that is not for the faint of heart), we have known wise and learned fratdaddies who would not attach themselves to any one sorostitute on such nights by accepting an invitation to be a girl’s date.  They then “bar hopped” the available functions & swooped in for the kill on Plan A’s who were all dressed up with no place to go…i.e. ladies who brought huge douchebags as dates and dumped them 30 minutes into festivities.  Again, this is not a move for a beginner, but it is an example of the opportunities presented to the most skilled of fratdaddies on unique evenings like the ones discussed above.

Ho ho hoes…

I don’t know what it is about the holiday season.  Maybe it’s the cold weather.  Maybe it’s the “generosity” of the season.  But whatever it is, there is definitely something about Christmas Cocktails that makes even the “good girls” into ready shackers.  No, that isn’t a lump of coal, but I am happy to see you.

Fun and games…

What would a holiday gathering be without games?  Be sure to try out such family favorites as, “Buy everyone a shot of peppermint schnapps.”  How do you play, you ask?  You pull out your plastic and buy everyone a shot of peppermint schnapps.  Everyone will be delighted as your timely seasonal gesture.  Also, my sorostitute and choice and I have been known to play a game involving a Santa hat, some whipped cream, and a few mugs of egg nog.  Grandma would be proud to see you taking the holiday with so much spirit!

Suit up…

Just a quick reminder on dress code…even though it is the holidays, and thus is supposed to be festive, you have no excuse for wearing such douchebaggish novelty ties as the one pictured below.  EVER.

If you wear this, your frat gland will shrink 3 sizes that day.

I’m not being a grinch, gentlemen.  I’m just protecting your good image.  If you will wear such ridiculous items with a well-tailored suit, you don’t deserve that suit to begin with.  Buy a respectable, conservative striped tie.  If you feel that this isn’t festive enough, don’t worry.  Your actions can be plenty festive enough to make up for your lack of a ridiculous neckpiece.

In conclusion, we hope everyone is excited for the Christmas season.  It’s a time to let loose and frat hard.  It’s also a time to get such presents as fishing boats, which is what we’re hoping for this year.

Does your house have any time honored Christmas Cocktail traditions?  Let us know in the comments.

Popularity: 25% [?]

Thought of the Day – “I always tell the waiter to bring me the most expensive item because studying the menu is so GDI.”

A reminder to all the douchebags out there…if you have to ask how much it costs, you can’t afford it.  Also, rewash my car…you missed a spot.

Popularity: 35% [?]

Even though the leaves are turning and the air is catching its winter chill, it won’t be long until wedding season is upon us in the world of frat, especially for you post-grad fratters out there. Throughout the summer, fratdaddies and sorostitutes worldwide will join hands in holy fratrimony just to keep it honest because bastard fratlings are frowned upon. Whenever a wedding can be found, you can be sure to find its frattier counterpart shortly before . . . the bachelor party. At this point in the lecture, we could tell you to go home and watch The Hangover and you might think that you have a realistic view as to how the bachelor party works. However, There are some subtle nuances to the fratty bachelor party that Hollywood won’t teach you.

[Note that when we state the "bachelor party," "you," etc., then we are referring to the bachelor himself and each of the party attendees individually and collectively]

Length:
Ideally, a bachelor party will last one weekend, beginning sometime Friday in route to the chosen destination and ending Sunday once you leave said destination.  We have selected this scenario for the remainder of this lecture.  Additionally, for precautionary reasons, the bachelor party should be at least one week before the wedding.  This allows a somewhat reasonable amount of time for wounds to heal (both physically and emotionally), comas to end, court proceedings to conclude, etc.

Location:
The best location for a bachelor party should have the following opportunities:  gambling, golf, fine dining, an adequate party scene, girls who pay their way through the Institute of Fratology by dancing without clothing, and a morally casual fratmosphere.  One city stands head and shoulders above the rest, Las Vegas, while another stands alone in second, New Orleans.  If for whatever reason those cities are not an option for your bachelor party, then several other larger cities offer most of the necessary opportunities to land you in a pair of ‘cuffs at the end of the night.

The Bachelor Party Begins (Friday Night):
It is utterly important to remember the number one rule of a bachelor party weekend:  there are no rules.  On Friday night, you should gamble, frequent adult establishments, especially those where no clothing is smiled upon, and drink spirits so strong that they would make Jack Daniels dry heave just thinking about them.  When you wake up on Saturday, you should have to piece together your Friday.  For example, on Saturday morning a bachelor party weekend, a bachelor may wake up in an abandoned warehouse, with no memory of how he arrived, tied to a chair with his mouth taped shut.  Assuming the bachelor survives the apparent hostage situation, he should thank his fellow fratdaddies for caring enough to allow him to frat himself into that situation.  During the weekend, if the bachelor’s Frathoe is set on fire and later pushed into the Mississippi, then that is okay because he will buy another one on Monday.  If you accidentally lose all of your honeymoon expenses on blackjack and lap dances, then you know that your future father-in-law will help you out.  This is what a bachelor party should be, no rules, and the belief of no consequences.

The Worst Feeling in the World (Saturday Morning):
It’s 11:37 A.M. on Saturday morning.  You have been in bed for 1 hour, 47 minutes, and you have only been asleep for 13 minutes.  All of the bachelor party should have tee times beginning in 23 minutes.  You probably think that the mere suggestion of attempting to play golf the morning after the Friday night is someone absurd.  How could you physically swing a club?  Also, you vaguely recall trading your clubs in the back of your Frathoe (prior to the fire) to a homeless man for a half of a Krystal just hours before.  Nevertheless, you should play golf during a bachelor party.  Every moment of the party must be used to frat hard.  Golf provides an opportunity to do just that.  It gets you out of bed, gives you an excuse to start throwing back the spirits again, and it allows you to frattab.  Speaking of fratabbing, your bachelor party round of golf should cost no less than $100 in greens fees alone.  Bachelor party rounds of golf costing less than $100 are for poor people who receive government checks.

The Celebratory Dinner (Saturday Night):
The point of the Saturday night dinner is that you have to eat anyway, so why not do it in the frattiest way possible?  Reservations should be booked at the highest, most well-regarded restaurant possible.  The same dollar figure for golf applies.  You should be able to order steak, lobster, and need a spare two hours just to skim the wine list.  During dinner is the time to recall fratty stories from the past about the bachelor, such as the time he pounded a Plan A on the hood of a S500.  Also, we highly recommend that you reserve a private room.  An elderly couple celebrating their 50 wedding anniversary at the next table does not want to hear about the fluid that graced the Mercedes-Benz Star.  After the dinner, repeat Friday night above.

The Conclusion (Sunday Morning):
It should take a minimum of a week to recover from a bachelor party.  A bachelor party should be the best time of your life that you cannot remember to save your life.  The goal should be if your future wife finds out what occurred during your bachelor party, then you do not have to worry about setting up that joint checking account.  Remember the number one rule is there are no rules.

Popularity: 20% [?]

We have a bonus, since we haven’t had a new word in a while…two words/phrases in one night:

Garbage Money (noun) – cash that is crumbled and shoved into one’s pocket instead of being properly inserted into one’s money clip or wallet

Ex: I did not want to support the bartender’s meth addiction, so instead of tipping, I converted my $14 of change into garbage money to throw away at some point during the near fratastic future.

Walk of Pride (verb) – the walk performed the morning after a successful night of shacking where one struts with sense of pride and attempts to notify as many as possible of the shacking accomplishment

Ex: After shacking with [insert Plan A sorostitute's name], I voluntarily made the walk of pride back to the frat castle and scheduled a conference call regarding the previous night’s accomplishment with everyone I know, including my parents.

Popularity: 42% [?]

Confratulations to Nick Wood of Oklahoma, the new Fratdaddy of the Month.  Nick’s picture shows that he understands ideal frattire.  You can see the classic sunglasses, complete with the obligatory croakies.  Additionally, Nick is enjoying a fine cigar, which is always appropriate to increase the fratmosphere.  Nick will be compensated for this high honor with a complimentary Coast Winyah polo.

Popularity: 72% [?]

“I guess dogs can be students of Fratology.”

* Special thanks to Mitch Sharrock of Baylor for submitting this photo *

Popularity: 8% [?]